Top Five Inedible Objects I Wish Were Food

A few weeks ago I was watching Watcher’s Top Five Beatdown (tied with Too Many Spirits as my favorite show they make) and I realized I should do another top five post, but the categories they had done so far this season didn’t really inspire me. I thought “things I want to eat but I can’t because they’re not food” might be good, but then got too busy to write the post and sort of forgot about it. Then I watched the season finale of TFB last week and they had read my mind; the category was “top five inedible objects we would eat.” So I took that as a sign, and here’s my post!

I choose most of options before I watched the episode so I wouldn’t be unduly influenced by their choices, and I may do another post commenting on their lists because for the most part I did NOT agree. But I still ended up going by their rules, which were: the object has to be manmade, not naturally occurring; it has to be inedible; and there’s no practically component (like you could pick a skyscraper if you wanted to; it doesn’t have to be “food sized”).

Let’s list!

5. Bath Bombs

This will come into play again later so let me explain something that most people who know me are already aware of: the smell of fragranced cleaning products affects me in the same way that really good smelling food does. I KNOW that I can’t drink Mr. Clean because it’s poison. But I smell it and my brain is like, “Oh, yeah, delicious.” So I’m specifically talking about any of the “fresh and clean”/floral bath bombs, not, like, strawberry or any real food flavor. Bath bombs smell so good, and you go into a bath bomb store and they’re laid out like beautiful produce waiting to be selected and brought home to eat. I want to go around with a basket and pick out a dozen bath bombs and eat them like apples. The only reason they came in number five is the texture; I’m very texture-sensitive when it comes to food and actually biting into a bath bomb would be delightfully crunchy but horrifically gritty. Like huge Razzles– and I like Razzles but especially as a kid I always had to brace myself to get through that initial sandy, powdery stage, and bath bombs would be like that but without turning into gum.

4. Lipstick

Lipstick is sort of edible, in that you do ingest it when you wear it and it’s non-toxic. You could probably eat a lipstick and not die. But it’s obviously not intended to be eaten like a snack, and I wish it was! There are so many colors, so you could have so many flavors, and I think it would be like eating a really firm, silky mousse or a soft fudge. The downside is that lipsticks are small, so it wouldn’t be much of a snack- though coming in a little leak-proof container would be a bonus for eating on the go.

3. Lite Brite Pegs

This one takes a little imagination because you couldn’t actually really eat these; they’re hard plastic and you wouldn’t be able to chew them. But in my mind changing the texture a little, in necessary, is part of a rules to make something edible. In my mind I think the texture of Lite Brite pegs would maybe be like Dots? Sort of a firm gummy candy, or a jelly bean (which would make it hard to play with the Lite Brite but that’s okay; we’re in a fantasy world). And they’re such bright colors! So they would have great fruit flavors, and you could mix them all around in a big bowl and eat them with a spoon like candy cereal. And you could play with them while eating them, because Lite Brite is a fun toy.

2. Erasers

Spoiler for my next post, but “erasers” were on one of the lists in the episode, and something I hadn’t thought of until they mentioned it- but I disagreed on the TYPE of eraser. They said Pink Pearl or pencil erasers, but I’m all about the brown art gum erasers. I was obsessed with these in school; they worked so well and they were so nice and squishy to hold- plus they never smudged or scratched the paper. And their eraser dust was fluffy and white and soft. I don’t know what the flavor would be but they would feel so nice to bite into. Honorable mention for fun colored mini novelty erasers, which would also be delicious but in a different way.

1. Dryer Sheets/Tide Pods/Laundry Soap

This one will seem like a gimme because of the Tide Pod eating craze, but let the record show that I have always wanted to eat dryer sheets and laundry soap. It’s all about the smell! The smell of Bounce is more mouth-watering to me than the smell of many kinds of food. The texture wouldn’t be very pleasant but I think you could make little spring rolls with laundry powder/scent bead filling and dryer sheet wrappers, dunked in liquid laundry soap, and that would be so so nice. And then Tide Pods are just the Gushers of the laundry world. I want to eat them all so badly.

And that’s the list! Chime off in the comments with what you wish you could eat, but can’t because it would kill you. (You don’t actually have to chime off; that’s just how they end every episode.)